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By Brian K. White, Jul 9, 2004
Coca-Cola was forced to withdraw their 8,000 peacekeeping troops from
Somalia when war broke out in 1989. The civil scene has since
subsided and civilians, long thirsty for caffeinated cola, seem eager
to embrace the armed forces being provided by Coca-Cola.
Coca-Cola, the eighth largest world economic power and fifth largest
military power justifies this move saying, "U.S. and freedom fighting
coalition forces have long fought to stabilize this region. Now, with
national security in the balance our armed forces are well poised to
help re-estabish peace in Somalia."
While critics have cited the placement of interim prime minister
Josef Smithaf (devout Mormon who claims Muslim decent) opening of a
Coca-Cola pipeline as the primary grounds for military presence in
Somalia, corporate representatives insist their presence is in the
spirit of peace.
"It's not just because Somalia is sitting on the world's second
largest reserve of Coca-Cola, critics need to shut the hell up," says
Jake Haffrey, spokesman for Coca-Cola's military division, "The
pipeline is secondary, we're interested in democracy the world over.
This isn't an opportunistic move, all colas are allowed equal
representation. Historically the people have always chosen Coke over
the other guys and when Pepsi decides to send missionaries to the
region, we'll be ready for a popular vote."
Pepsi has faced growing complication in recent years, including
third-party vote detractors such as RC, Tab, and numerous local
generic brands. Pepsi, whose own military forces are less than half
of those from Coca-Cola has not yet announced any new military
actions in Africa.
Military correspondent Wolf "check me in danger" Blitzer explains
that "Pepsi is ill-equipped to take on a land war in Africa. Their
tanks are Korean War era, their troops have been fattened by their
KFC, Taco Bell, and Pizza Hut rations. In fact, the only thing
keeping them in the cold beverage war is their advanced satellite
network and their popular Pepsi Challenge vote, however slanted it
may be. They're still bent on coming out on top so we should expect
air strips on [Coca-] cola plants and rebel strikes on the pipeline."
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